Fever Pitch

I was in bed for three days this week with flu. By 'flu' I mean a severe headache, hot and cold sweats, swollen glands, fits of shivvering, a sore throat, eye strain, ringing ears, back and neck ache and a loss of appetite.

Like most boys who went to boarding school I very rarely fall ill, probably because boarding schools equip you with a mega immune system (due to a mixture of that great jolly hockey sticks outdoor life + cleaning dirt and grime off statues of lions + other bacterial exposure that I won't elaborate upon). So I'm usually really pissed off when I do catch something.

However, I discovered my own three-step recovery plan which I am about to reveal for you. Forget Nurofen, forget paracetemol, forget fruit and vegetables. This works better than anything a pharmacist can sell you...
1) Day Time TV
My weapon of choice is anything presented by Kristian Digby, for example To Buy or Not to Buy or Open Homes. Kristian (pictured above) is energetic, friendly and gently camp. He is always impeccably dressed and politely takes the piss out of everyone on his show. His well-spoken and well-mannered ways are like Vitimin C for the soul. Watching him present on TV will make you long to recover so that you too can prance about the streets shaking hands with rosy-cheeked chartered surveyors.
Other good ones to watch are Cash in the Attic and Bargain Hunt.
Quiz Shows are bad for recovery though. Not only will the inability to answer questions will put further weight on your headache, but Dale Winton will make you vomit and Anne Robinson can make you go into a recession and actually expire.
2) 1980s Chart Music
You need to do this in stages. Start with something slow and meaningful like Kate Bush or Gloria Estefan. Female solo artists who can empathise with your pitiful state and will sooth your ears.
Then go for something a little stronger and life-affirming. Perhaps Duran Duran.
Then finish off with something utterly pop-bent and up-tempo. For me Bananarama are the best. It's impossible to feel ill in the presence of their cheery harmonies. The best medium has to be cassette tapes, they capture the period's sound - plus the way the tape deck neatly closes shut and the way you nudge the little play button down - the satisfaction will rocket your recovery time, I promise you.
Avoid Grace Jones. I know she's fucking cool, but you're trying to get better right?
3) Drink Lots of Water
Self-explanatory, no?

Words: Jack Cullen

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