Somali want a cracker?


Captain Pugwash would never get caught up in a psychopathic Somalian shipping scenario like this.

The BBC announced tonight that Somali pirates are holding a ship carrying a cargo of military tanks ransom for £12 million! A spokesperson from the group of pirates has threatened to blow up the ship, including themselves and the crew, unless the ransom is paid within three days…
It’s one of those situations where we usually depend on Tom Cruise or Bruce Willis to sort things out, but unfortunately this case is real and not pretend. Besides, Tom Cruise wouldn’t get out of bed and penetrate an adolescent gardener for that sort of money. As for Bruce Willis - he’s only made one public appearance in the last month and that was buying his daughter Rumer some Christian Louboutin shoes for her 20th birthday, not exactly action-packed stuff.

What fascinates me most about this Ukrainian hostage situation is how we still use the word ‘pirates’ to indicate fire-armed thugs stealing 33 tanks. Surely they’re terrorists, or international criminals? Captain Pugwash would never get caught up in a psychopathic Somalian shipping scenario like this.

Apparently US warships have surrounded the MV Faina and a Russian frigate is on its way to help in the operation. I think America would have been better off sending Johnny Depp in there, swinging wildly on a pulley rope in Boho jewellery, someone who understands the ways of pirates.
The worrying part of the story though is the BBC’s last line “Somalia has lacked a functional central government since 1991 and has been afflicted by continual civil strife”ALARM BELLS go off in my head when I read this, it basically says “Yeah, by the way, why don’t we go to war with Somalia, they obviously need a bit of the good old western intervention”.
I don’t see Somalian newspapers talking about the hundreds of knife-crime victims the UK has had recently, and proposing to come over and sort out our “continual civil strife” (not that I read many Somalian newspapers, but I'm sure you take my point).

Maybe the whole story is made up. Who knows? It’s not as if we go swimming off the Somalian coast every weekend. Could anyone really be stupid enough to hold a military ship ransom? So - what - the Ukrainian government hand over a check and off the terrorists sail happily into the horizon, swigging rum and internet shopping for Comme Des Garcons on their wireless laptops…! ??

Talking of which, Commes Des Garcons (who are Japanese, I'd like to take this oppurtunity to educate seemingly everyone who thinks they are a French fashion house) have released their own Bearbrick (pictured below), and I really really want it. I collect Bearbricks, and have 23 to date. Thing is, they cost quite a lot. Especially limited edition ones. I wonder how I could find some cash quick. Anyone got an eye-patch I can borrow?


Words: Jack Cullen

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