Commes Des Garçons Croissants

One of my readers emailed me today suggesting that I try writing something about cookery. Sure enough, she’s a chef, but why would I want to branch out into the hazardous and numeric world of online recipes? I’m much more thoroughly skilled in ordering off menus than peeling potatoes. Ordering is an artform. Jamie Oliver may well be exceptional in his ability to wet the appetites of middle aged women while simultaneously being a political tourist, but can he persuade a waiter to bring him the soup of tomorrow? Can he keep a straight face while referring to a 28 year old Sommelier called Alberto as 'Honey'? There generally seem to be two celebrity chef routes:

1) Corrugate your forehead and swear a lot.
2) Marry a millionaire art collector

It was fantastic when Graham Norton interviewed Nigella Lawson and Marilyn Manson. Nigella was in the middle of describing her hangover-cure breakfast, when Marilyn butted in – “Hangover-cure breakfast? Ecstasy and vodka”. So here goes, a rarefied treat for you all, a Jack of Hearts transition from the contrary to the culinary…my own edible creation…

Self-consciously inspired by the flawless Japanese fashion house, but equally as influenced by Bay City Rollers, The 1962 Cuban Missile Crisis, Barbie accessories and childhood. You will need (for 12):
500g strong white flour/ 15g salt/ 75g sugar/ 25g yeast/ 270ml water/ 400g butter
10x1cm slices of chocolate
5 heaped tbs of icing sugar
10 Packets of Parma Violets (available from
1 chilli
7 glace cherries
200ml Wray & Nephew overproof rum
12x3cm cut-outs of Andy Warhol’s head

Okay. So for the boring pastry stage use UKTV’s clinical and concisely phrased instructions as found at BUT when inserting the chocolate, add a sprinkling of diced glace cherries and chilli.
Then prepare the icing by crushing the Parma Violets, mixing with the icing sugar, then adding the Wray & Nephew bit by bit until nice and gooey. This should be poured over the croissants after they’ve had a chance to cool. Then lovingly place a little cut out of Andy Warhol’s head onto each one.
Parma Violets are a faded-celebrity confectionary that once boasted shelf space in all newsagents. Based upon the scented flowers, that Napoleon was a massive fan of (I know). While they look cool, they do actually contain stearic acid, E124 and E132, but don’t worry – it’s not like anyone of us know what that means. Bacardi is fine as substitute rum, if not a little disappointing.

Serving recommendations: Ideally Jack’s Commes Des Garçons Croissants should be served in only Björn Borg underwear, banana smoothies and with a smile that connotes typical apple-blossom English prettiness.

Let me know how you get on...

Words: Jack Cullen


  1. I'm SO going to make these! Haha.

  2. Oh good. Let me know if you enjoyed them. After 72 hours that is!