Pants Wars: Return of the Umpire

Calvin Klein doesn't spring to mind when one considers change. They've built  a billion-dollar empire over based around white pants and white vests, and it's worked for four decades. It's impressive, but it's dated. It's black and white, it's boring and they don't seem to have changed since Donna Karan was interning there in the 1980s.
Whenever something exotic does emerge from the Calvin Klein, like their infectious and zesty aftershave Crave, it soon finds itself discontinued and buried under yet another blanket of bland.
This was the case, at least, until Björn Borg went from over-arm finalist to underpants fantasist. We all love to support an underdog, and although Borg boasts 11 Grand Slam titles (not even losing one set at Wimbledon in 1976), in terms of becoming an underwear giant it all seemed a bit far-stretched.
But while Calvin Klein’s never-ending winter continued, and more white pants flew off shelves thanks to Travis Fimmel car-crash-inducing bulges on billboards, Bjorn Borg threw away his racket and picked up one radical paint pallet. Suddenly exciting vibrant 5% elastane boxer shorts started to appear in department stores, until one night at G.A.Y. when everyone threw their arms up in ecstasy to My My My there was barely a C or a K in sight, and we all know that to be the Pants King you need your name branded across a majority of gay men's pelvis bones.

I’m sure it was no coincidence that soon Calvin Klein briefs with heavy-duty patterns came out in blinding Topmanian shades. But in Europe the athletic Swede wasn’t going to be defeated just yet. He started thinking outside of the server’s box, his team came up with arbitrary and aloof designs, like water-colour sketches of fresh water fish.
There’s no stopping him now, Björn Borg is set to surpass CK for 2009 as the most bought underwear label in Sweden, but I don’t what's stopping this victory from spreading further West. It’s a tough decision – but would you rather have a tennis champion or an OAP businessman pushed against your ass?
It’s ironic that Björn effortlessly personifies the Calvin Klein dream – strong, blond, sporting, heterosexual and successful. His fashion stems from truth, not falsity.
Which ever way you’re inkleined, a new era has been björn. The wealthy American hand that has held men’s balls for decades is starting to lose its grip. The Swedish hand that has held trophy-winning tennish balls for decades is on course to win game, set and crotch.


  1. Remélem hamar megdöglesz, akárcsak a többi retkes buzi veled együtt.
    Szerencsétlen életet és vérmérgezésben gazdag hétköznapokat kívánok, te repedt picsájú köcsög. =)

    Egy kedves magyar üzenet =)

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