The Apprentice Episode 3: Lesbian Action!

Did anyone else just see that bizarre clip of Debra and Paula holding hands during the Katherine Jenkins recital? Lesbianism in The Apprentice, I say! Also – is it really a treat to watch Katherine Jenkins sing? Even worse, a private recital so you can’t even have a cheeky check of your phone from time to time...

Of course, holding hands is more than acceptable behaviour between heterosexual women, one of those many liberties that women in our culture enjoy that men don’t, like high heels, but it did look a bit loved-up and candle-lit on screen didn’t it?
Ignite certainly deserved to win this time, their Body Rocker product looked pretty cool. Whereas Empire’s product looked like a budget terrorism device. Anyway, it's about time I gave you guys my official lowdown on the characters, I mean candidates, on this year's series. Here’s a Jack of Hearts breakdown of the remaining contestants. Let me know if you agree:

Debra – She was a harsh team leader, with a harsher and grating voice. Her eyes are a little too close together and she really bullied Lorraine in this task. Also, what’s with the spelling of her name? Boo you whore. Mind her hair, it'll slit your throat.
Norool – During the pointless racism card that Deborah pulled I felt Norool should have stepped in and made his point of view heard. Afterall, they were bickering about his racial status, although really it was because he wasn’t attractive enough for the advert. He has to go soon; he’s failed to bond with the other lads.
BenFancies himself SO much, which is sort of understandable yet incredibly injustified since he looks like a self-tanned mole. Pin-striped suits are soo 2002. Also,“I’ll bite his teeth out”, ??, is that an Irish phrase lost in translation? Quite good at sharpening his eyes though. So poising AND posing, if only he were that wee bit taller.
Philip – Although the first episodes depicted Philip as polite and well-spoken, he has become progressively more and more like a winging, irritable, almost primative character. He's an estate agent... enough said.
The American Girl Kim – I like her a lot. She’s cool. “I play tennis and I go dancing” – haha. I find her voice refreshing. She's doing America proud. Another favourite.
The Blonde Girl Kate – Doing the yellow-hair-orange-face thing is so difficult. She’s not as bad as some girls who try it. But come on – she’s basically a repeat of Michelle Dewberry from Series 2, but not as strong. Who knows, she might turn it all around soon though, especially if she starts a mid-series affair with Howard or Ben... the more Heat coverage the better.
Howard – There’s something weirdly attractive about him, but he seems a bit evil too. Quite a cool kid and surprisingly bitchy. Undecided. Is he a closet homosexual? That would explain a lot, and please me. He either fancies Ben a little or sees him as an alphamale threat.
James – Surely he’ll go soon? He reminds me of Morrisey with his teary eyes and self-pity. Can he sing though? I think he’s too soppy for The Apprentice and would be better off as a spiritual leader. Where on earth did he used to be a nightclub doorman? St. Ives? Oh.. Surrey.
Maj – An alright fellow I suppose but a bit oafy. There’s nothing dynamic about Maj and he’s full of negative energy. I didn't see him offering anything, a bit of a commentator. He reminds me of the guys who work in my local 3 store... a pain.
Mona – Hardly speaks and has a nervously ambiguous smile, weirdly like the Mona Lisa (it had to be said). I don’t mind her, but she won’t hang around for long unless she starts pulling some rabbits. Statistically Sir Alan goes for white men who lie their CV, i.e. not Mona.
Yasmina – what a demanding bitch - no thanks. I'm sure the cameras are deliberately making her a wicked witch and I'm sure some people will find her abrasive ways admirable, but I personally find her a bit cumbersome, like Jo the big-boned aggressive one from S Club 7.

It’s always hard to predict The Apprentice. It’s not really about Sir Alan finding an employee, but about good quality television. And for these reasons it is near impossible to guess the course of the series. Like Big Brother, storylines and false impressions are oozed out of raw footage. I love The Apprentice, but you have to see it for what it is – an entertaining loser’s game.


  1. You didn't comment on Paula in your lowdown...

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  3. Wo.. had to delete that comment, since lesbian terminology might not be as familiar to my potentially younger readers!

    But browny points for spotting how I missed Paula. I guess my not commenting IS a comment. After all, she's the embodiment of uneventful. Unless she's Debra's lover of course.

  4. Found your feed looking to see if anyone else thought there was a lesbian thing going on with those two. Wasn't just the recital - there was a sofa moment too. I reckon we're onto something!

  5. Turns out I was somewhat prophetic with my Blonde Girl Kate relationship suggestion... spooky. AND it was Heat who reported it...!

  6. I was also correct about Howard's sexuality. He's gay!