Cowell’s Got Talent: The Susan Boyle Foil

As an audience we are expected to marvel and dry our tears as we share the revelatory moment that Simon Cowell, Piers Morgan and Amanda Holden realise just how superficial they are.

When in reality their self-satisfied sense of surprise is superficial itself. The whole Susan Boyle ‘sensation’ is manipulated, scripted and edited by producers to create a climatic moment that will catch the media’s eye and consequently hook in more viewers… and boy has it worked.

I don’t usually rant on Jack of Hearts, but I feel I just need to get this off my reality TV chest…

From the beads of sweat on Ant n’ Dec’s sky-rise foreheads, to the baffled cow-penned audience who are being signalled to give a standing ovation… the whole program Britain’s Got Talent is tediously contrived, not to mention self-congratulatory.

The fact that Susan Boyle released her own CD in 1999 is living proof that the whole epic unveiling of her ‘undiscovered talent’ is just an ITV ploy. She must have had to sing at some sort of selection round too, where viewer-rating-worthy candidates are sifted out.

On this tiresome topic of “never judge a book by its cover” (a popular phrase amongst those who have never turned a book's cover) - I fail to understand how viewers feel so joyously liberated by an “appearance shattering” celebration of “true talent”, when they self-consciously tune in to watch Simon Cowell, who is so orange and artificial that most television sets struggle to depict the high contrast of his ferrety little second-hand Action Man grin.

I admit Susan Boyle has a strong voice; she seems to be a lovely woman and was no doubt unaware of the media fanfare that she was deliberately webbed up in. She is a perfectly sufficient singer, if not a bit anachronistic, and I wish her the best of luck. Sadly for her, and fortunately for us, pop stardom is 1 million % about either your visual communication or your ability to write music innovatively.

Finally, why is Amanda Holden so taken aback by Boyle’s talent, calling it “the biggest wake-up call ever”? Surely she didn’t pick Les Dennis (spelling?) for his sexual seduction? It’s annoying when she barks “I know that everybody was against you”, glancing nonchalantly over her shoulder as if telepathy is just another of her many D-list celebrity attributes. What she means is “in the script that I’m clutching with my prostitute-red nails, the audience will be edited in production to be seemingly against you”.

Finally Finally. What’s Piers Morgan doing on the panel? Is he about to release another book in supermarkets?

Rant over.


  1. Wow. Great minds think alike. I was just about to write a Susan Boyle piece saying basically the same thing.

    Now I can just link to this. You're a timesaver! Thank you!

  2. I didn't know she had a CD out in the past. They kept that quiet! Just googled it.. and sure enough.. you're right!

  3. The Jack of Hearts is always right.


  4. Great piece. What happened to old SuBo?

  5. She sang for The Pope!

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