JLS: "New Single" - Old Sound, "All Single" - Sound Familiar?

Why is 4Music playing a Craig David album track? I wander into the lounge and realise that, in fact, they’re playing Everybody In Love, a new single by JLS. And let’s stick to the term single instead of song, because although the company is called Sony “Music”, really it should be called Sony Sales.

The video is a simulacrum of their last video. The boys stand in a square formation that slips in and out of being a line, while doing some serious knee bending, chest patting and takeaway-server winking. The chorus line is “Everybody in love, go on put your hands up”. Did i just spew a little bit of sick onto the sofa?

Let us now compile a list of pop songs that ask that their listeners put their hands up. Actually, on second thoughts, the unlimited space of the internet means that we probably don’t have enough room to do that.

JLS did come across very well on Jonathan Ross a few weeks ago. They were positive, friendly, polite, everything good boy scouts should be. They were filmed backstage jumping up and down on a bouncy castle while on looking band members of Kasabian turned beige with awkwardness and tried to diffuse into the greenroom sofa.

Ross was very warm-hearted to the JLS boys, who talked mainly about their mums in the interview, which for me shatters any glimpse of credible pop stardom instantaneously. Do you ever see Alison Goldfrapp, Gwen Stefani, Peaches, Calvin Harris or FrankMusik banging on about how their mum still dresses them? Okay, a few obligatory words in the album thanks, but no more. Aston did a live back flip on stage which is an impressive personal feat, but hardly television worthy.

I don’t have the energy to dislike JLS. All I’m saying is, they’re very very average, and I wish kids today had more exciting acts to compare these tame crooners to. JLS would not even stand a chance in the charts against other contemporary pop contenders like Cheryl Cole, Shakira and Dizzee Rascal if it wasn’t for the mass indoctrination published by girls mags like J17, Sugar and Bliss. Magazines that come wrapped in plastic and offer a free and very shit eye shadow. Magazines that dictate how girls will part with their parents' money. Magazines that are written in their entiriety in the time it takes me to write this blog post.

Incidentally, Dizzee Rascal’s new pop remake/reprisal of Money Talks (Dirty Cash) is quite frankly fantastic, and is sounding really sassy and decadent in clubs right now. The video is quite interesting too, with Diz himself bobbing around in a sinister top hat around a book-burning fire of debauched London revolutionaries.

Going back to JLS and their invasion of girls mags… the boys are all single of course, and none of them are gay, despite editorial teams up and down Britain having their own wagers on whether it’ll be Aston or JB. Aston’s the small perky one. (JB’s one of the two who isn’t the main one and isn’t Aston, I think?)

The 90s music comeback does have several peaks, such as the mass-scale rebirth of rave classics, which Dizzee’s new song is a good example of. I also welcome a revival of slightly looser jeans, and good bodies with tennis-toned muscles being celebrated again, I’m bored of the drug-skinny lithe wrecks who think they’re attractive. That tired 'Ket Noodles' look.

However, one trough of the 90s comeback is naff and indiscreetly manufactured pop acts wriggling up and down the charts. The colour-coordinated costume travesties are sore on the eye while the cheesey radio interviews full of flat-pack middle-of-the-road desexualised answers are just intolerably boring.

Let’s hope it’s not “forever and a day” that we have to wait until JLS reach their sell-by date and join the lacklustre ranks of those forgotten names on the backs of Now compilations.

Five things JLS doesn’t stand for, but should: Just Like Steps / Jesus Loves Syrup / Jug Loads of Sick / Jumpy Little Scrots / Justifiably Legitimising Satan

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