Jedlock: Time To Throw The Cowell In?

Tonight Simon Cowell sent contestant Lucie Jones home and consequently saved the notorious John & Edward, an act that he has claimed to loathe on several occasions. But why did Cowell do this? Allow The Jack of Hearts to explain…


The X Factor is a business, and while the live shows are part of that business, we must remember that Cowell owns and manages what can only be described as a colossal musical family on an international scale. The X-Factor is just one limb of his ever-growing television and music empire. If you’ve downloaded a song by Cheryl Cole, Alexandra Burke, Robbie Williams, Whitney Houston, The Black Eyed Peas, Michael Bublé, JLS or Westlife in the last month… then well-done, you’re part of it, and there's nothing wrong with that.


This year, a boy needs to win the show. Fact. And so Cowell has kept all three of his acts Olly, Danyl and the soon-to-go Afro idiot for this reason. It is also for this same reason that the cute and incapable Lloyd has been kept on, just in case he proves himself to be commercially viable.


Commercially viable is the crux of The X Factor. It's sad when the program could showcase a newt and make it an internationally successful popstar if it wanted. But no, Cowell wants low common denominators.


Cowell is currently driving the monetary success of Alexandra Burke and Leona Lewis. Therefore the last thing he needs this year is for yet another female solo artist to win his show.


Next week The X Factor finalists record a group charity record. John & Edward will make this single much more promotable, since they’re very recognisable, popular in print media and visually have more iconographic strength than any of the other contestants. So John & Edward need to stay at least another week. It took Cowell a while to work out what exactly the twins are, and he’s still unsure, they’re an anomaly, but until he works out what to do with them, they’re safe. Arguably, only they have what could be called an X factor.


Cowell knew that John & Edward would have received more votes than Lucie this week. They were even on the cover of Heat magazine titled ‘Jedmania’! In taking the decision to ‘deadlock’ he ensured that his desire to keep them onboard was concreted without having to actually personally vocalise the sending home of Lucie and feel guilty.


All of Cheryl Cole’s decisions are ventriloquised and puppeteered by Cowell too, naturalised by an occasional staged dislike for one another. And why would Cheryl mind this? She’s enjoying huge success by surfing the Cowell wave. Their relationship is slightly reciprocal in that Cheryl’s opinion, whatever it may be, will always be shared by anyone who lives further north than Reading. She has huge people power.


Louis Walsh is a genuine judge and the show sucked when he was absent last month, but sadly he has his own personal motives steering his decisions. His power is no where near as safe as Simon's, and so he must shout everything that he says. The relationship between Cowell and Walsh is startlingly similar to that of Hitler and Rohm (!)


Dannii Minogue, alarmingly, is the most moral and grounded judge. She knows exactly what is going on and does her best to attest it. Still, she is being paid £450,000 to appear on the show, and despite this being a considerably low wage compared to the other judges and presenters (Cheryl - £1.2m), it is a very good deal for Dannii at this stage in her (previously sliding) career. Judging on this show is now the greatest feat of her Wikipedia page (!), and so although she is the most real person, she cannot afford to speak her mind with any conviction. Her best move will be to release a single within the next six months.


So, just remember. The X Factor is about very good television, Simon Cowell is about very good money, and the music industry is about very good sex and using people. So sit back, pour yourself a drink, and enjoy it. Just thank yourself you’re not an aspiring singer.


P.s. How annoying and blatant was the subliminal advertising for the remake of A Christmas Carol during last night’s show?!

6 comments:

  1. Agreed! Very well written as usual, very well put, you're not a conformist vulnerable fool unlike most viewers of the X Factor and you can read between the lines of this "talent contest" - The music industry is all about money Simon is all about money, Louis is all about money. (I actually thought Simon had a bit more integrity than Louis, but tonight I was proved wrong, you're right about Danni being alarmingly, the most moral judge). It's all about marketing and media, selling to the consumers (who are mainly Chavs who would definitely vote for likeability factor over aesthetic value). Makes sense to say that Simon did what he did tonight because he can't have another female artist win, and you're right: of COURSE he knew that Jedward got more votes. Unfortunately for me I am an aspiring singer. I might actually feel insulted if I was ever signed by Sony, because that would only mean one thing: you're not good, so people are gonna like you. I say this, but I suppose Leona has a lot of aesthetic value...Still, it's all pretend and it's not a talent contest. End of. Great work Jack. P.S Throw in the Cowell...haha.

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  2. Very well put my friend! I like the way you broke it down judge by judge.
    It's always been about likeability rather than anything else.
    However Mr/ms anon The whole of Sony isn't under the control of Simon. As you probably know it's just another label under the major that is Sony Music (Once Sony BMG) so if you were signed to RCA, Columbia, Epic, J Records etc you wouldnt have to worry about the reign of terror that is Cowell. Although they may be just as bad! lol

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  3. Thanks guys. Your words are very kind. It means a lot to me that you take a couple of minutes out to read my blog, it makes it worth writing!

    So, let's see if Jedward go once this charity record comes out.

    Also, the Top 10 right now has about 6 X-Factor related artists in it!

    JC x

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  4. Benjamin J. O'Brien21 November 2009 at 20:19

    After Shakira's performance, I can't really remember Simon's presence on the X-Factor of late. The only girl I have ever seen make (-even-) Beyonce look a bit dumpy/chunky (Beautiful Liar); her performance was a little understated (to be expected from the X-Factor I suppose) but she obliterated any trace of the actual contestants from the mind quite effectively. A well conceived plan to cover up the lack of any really stand-out talent this year.

    Good summation though, can't say I disagree. They won't really go very far, as far as I can foresee.

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  5. Just reading this a year later and it's SO TRUE! You really nailed it. Except Dannii didn't release a single, even better - she married a model and had a baby!

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  6. Jedward went the week after you wrote this! genius blog freek!!

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