Audio Icing: Heidi Flavoured

I have a new pop music confession to make. For newbie readers who don’t know – the music taste of this blog spirals out in two opposing directions like the Milky Way. On the tasteful and poetic end you’ll find Kate Bush, Tchaikovsky (only since he posthumously came out), Antony Hegarty and Cold Cave. Then on the degenerating and embarrassing end of my musical galaxy you’ll find Mariah (in a big way), Britney (in a bigger way) and … the newcomer to Jack’s ears… two quite ugly and despicable words…

Heidi Montag

That’s right, the dinosaur-faced bitch off The Hills. The one whose tan is darker than her pupils and whose hair is lighter than her teeth. Actually that’s impossible, her teeth are titanium. Her name sounds like a budget alternative to tarmac. The Hills itself is borderline unwatchable, stuffed with idiots and script-deaf to the point that you’d rather soil your pants during graduation than watch another episode. According to Phil Bassot the show specialises in “passing off scripted entertainment as real life in an attempt to make real life seem so boring that aspiration to unachievable excess is the norm.

So as you see, voicing a like for the musical works of Heidi Montag on Jack of Hearts is effectively taking the linguistic pyrotechnics for which I have been formerly praised, making a flame thrower out of them and then turning it on my face."

But we all have guilty pleasures don’t we? (Is “guilty pleasures” a contemporary cliché to be avoided yet like “inherent liar” or “sooo drunk”? I’m not sure) Some of you readers are so low as to love that naff supply teacher at the School of Gwen Stefani, the dismally ugly Lady Gaga. So on that missed note, allow me to continue…

Heidi Montag’s singles Body Language, Fashion and Higher are ace. They’re better than ace, they’re a Jack. They’re all so gay, so simplistic, so catchy and chic-slash-GASH, it’s just great. I call this genre of music Audio Icing. It’s like Aqua but wealthy, Diana Ross but shallow, Dead Or Alive but female.

Body Language is definitely worth giving Apple 79p for. It samples Yazoo’s timeless 80s classic Situation (the one The Saturdays' team also nabbed for If This Is Lur-ooh-Wuv). Of course the monstrous Montag slag can’t sing, but singing’s no prerequisite of pop stardom these days, so it’s all gravy.

I’ve now reached the point in my blog post where I realise my key confession is over, the BlogSpot cardinal has already come into my booth and bent me over, there was no other point to make in this piece other than out myself as both a hater of The Hills and a Heidi Montag kitchen gigolo, so I think I’ll just stop here.

By the way – Heidi’s album, aptly titled Superficial, is out next year.

Oh no, one more thing. On a side note – is it not a bit naff that Armani’s latest perfume ad uses the song Scandalous by Misteeq? When I finished my tea today the leaves on the bottom of the cup spelt G I A N N I I S N O T H A P P Y .

1 comment:

  1. Brilliant final note. I wholeheartedly agree.