Justin Bieber Comes Out As Gay: The Trials &Tribulations of Intelligent Online Media

Justin Bieber passed the UK age of consent earlier this month and suddenly everyone online announces that they know he’s gay?! Give the kid a fag break. The dust from his first little single, Baby feat. Ludacris, has barely settled and Britain’s army of teenagers are all pointing the pink finger. There’s an online battle going on where for every girl who fancies Justin Bieber there’s a jealous male classmate announcing with venim “He’s SO gay, just LOOK at him, he sounds like a GIRL!” Oh cruel Britannia, you’re so brilliant.

We’ve known Justin Bieber was going to be massive for months now, like seeing a Spanish Armada loom on an oceanic horizon, young Justin has been a worldwide trending topic on Twitter for weeks with thousands of fan pages launching every second like arrows flying through the Agincourt air. Press releases have been piling into inboxes with the intensity of Harry Potter’s first Hogwarts invitation. “Not now” gossip columnists have been muttering since Christmas, “who is he anyway?” But the day is here, Biebergate is upon us and not even the mighty Simon Cowell can stop it. (Although at least the Justin Bieber gay jibes might ease the spotlight off Joe McElderry, allowing him to finally throw some glitter on and go dancing to S-Express in the shadows of Soho where he can fling himself across some moustached muscle man while Tweeting "Thanks for the Haribo fans, the fried eggs are my favourite LOL").

So crazy are girls (and gays apparently) for Justin Bieber that poor old Robert Pattinson has been marginalised into an old pale vampire who is so five Tweets ago. Chin up R-Patz, it happened to Seth Coen (no - we never did learn his real name), it happened to Ben from A1 and it happened to Adam Rickitt.

As always, gay gossip maestro Perez Hilton has a lot to do with this, pushing Justin’s popularity, and constantly slating R-Patz’s co-star girlfriend K-Stew.

So yes. Justin is mancandy/jailbait with his smooth cheeks and impossibly conditioned hair, but only because he is being marketed at young girls who want a pretty boy pin-up next to their pony poster, right? Surely Justin Bieber isn’t being marketed at a gay audience? Is he? How pederastic can PRs get?

Upon Googling ‘Justin Bieber Gay’ a series of lively web forums appear at the top of search, all riddled with haphazard evidence that teenage pop star Justin Bieber is gay, and most probably all peddled in-house to garner traffic and unique users.

Gay gossip website After Elton announced that Justin Bieber came out to Oprah Winfrey, stating that he is gay. The site even congratulated Justin with a raised eyebrow - “only 15 years old! People come out younger and younger these days.” But this piece was immediately followed by an editorial note saying “This is an item posted by a reader in the forum and NOT something that we are reporting. In fact, it is likely a rumor.” But they are reporting it, and why? Why have journalists stopped doing research and checking their facts?

Because digital media is about traffic and hits, not factual content or insightful debate.
Or shall I say “Because gay digital sex Macaulay Culkin naked is about porn traffic and Beyoncé hits sex Ashley Cole gay, not factual content or Maggie Smith dies”

And so there is no smoke without fire. The fire being fictitious forums full of gossiping kids and the online strategists enjoying the sickly sweet traffic jam of it all. Some have written their own fake news stories, while others have said Justin Bieber can safely be classed as gay simply because he has a high-pitched voice!

There is (of course) a Facebook group simply called ‘Justin Bieber is Gay’ (yes, Gay with a capital G people, we’re talking lip gloss before breakfast here). The group is actually quite spiteful too, with its succinct and scientifically illogical itemisation of Justin’s sexuality: “He is a fag – his balls have never dropped.” Still, more than 50,000 people have joined it.

In writing this post I am proving my own theory correct, bulldozing my way into an SEO goldmine of all things Justin Bieber and all things gay. I can hear the resounding clicking of gaydreamers entering my blog, the clicking of drag queens’ heels as they march from Google into the Jack of Hearts. Mwu-har-har-hargh. I might do some misspelled phrases too, just to maximise my reach, like "Justin Beiber is Gay" or "Justin Beeber is Gay". That's better.

And who knows, maybe Justin Bieber is gay. And who actually cares anyway? The girls who admire him are never going to actually meet him, and there's a record deal hand so far up his a*** that there's no room for anything else anyway.

I feel a bit bad now, so I’ve just bought Justin’s stuff off iTunes. He’s quite funky actually. I like the song Bigger with its Pharrell style synths and live percussion a la Amerie. *Does a jiggle and flicks hair* I also quite like the ballad First Dance with Usher. Sort of.

Aw, give it three years - Justin will have a beard, a girlfriend, a Greatest Hits in every petrol sation, a rehab track record and we can all sit back and laugh at how we once thought he might be a gay. God forbid!

After Elton announces that Justin Bieber is a homosexual

Visit the Facebook aftermath here

Watch Justin’s video to Baby here


  1. Absolutely brill JC, love it xx

  2. HHHAHAHA! This is brilliant!!

  3. is the hot man really gay oh poor man ahhh seriosly wtf man he seriosly betrayed fans this is so funny

  4. wtf this is good gotta give some credit to ya b*tch

  5. justin yu relly gay man huh if ya lookin i luv ya ahhhhhh ..,.....lolz

  6. JACK, this is *possibly* ur finest hour. i loved every bit!

  7. There's an incorrect assessment here that bloggers are journalists.

  8. This is a great post Jack! Very nice indeed. And regarding comment above, where's the "incorrect assessment"? I'd argue that bloggers ARE journalists anyway. After Elton is defs a source of journalism. M x

  9. Thanks for your kind words everyone. And as you regulars know, I don't respond to anonymous comments, unless they're unfalteringly kind!

    Since downloading Justin Bieber's album I listened to it quite a bit on the commute to work, very boppy and lively. However, it was a short romance with Justin and I'm now utterly bored of his music. In terms of twink pop - it's now all about Alex Gardner. As Smash Hits would say - Alex Gardner, PHRRROOAR.

    JC xx

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  11. I know for a fact that Actor/Singer Ricky Dominguez had sex with Justin Bieber! I can prove it

  12. This fucking brilliant