Will Capello's WAG ban mean gay hotel parties? Jack Cullen speculates a WAG-less world.

If they're not having sex with each other by the first week then they'll be punching each other up, and if they're not doing either then they'll be out riding rough trade in Rustenburg.

I cannot believe Fabio Capello has banned British WAGS from the World Cup! Like any half-baked attempt at social engineering, this scheme simply cannot work and the more Capello's veto is enforced the more it will backfire. This article asks more questions than it answers, so please do join the debonair debate. Ready? Right, it's WAG O'CLOCK, let's get started...

Firstly, to start grand before we descend into a cesspit of sloppy celebrity goss, there are strong anti-feminist implications at work here. Is Capello suggesting that all footballers' wives are obtrusive slappers who need to be kept clear from their husbands' careers?
I can see how the World Cup is a 'business trip' and so arguably socialising should be kept within reason, but like in all industries, partners play an important business role in terms of offering support, sanctuary and prowess. Sure they do the odd bit of gold-digging, but they also do a heap of emotional shit shovelling, believe. Isn't Capello's WAG ban an insult to those footballers' wives who are modest, hard-working and who strive for a low media profile? Isn't it important that these men see their kids?

Capello clearly thinks WAGs get in the way, but has he considered what new horizons might be explored if he keeps all the England boys locked up in a hotel together? What about the supressed gays, the closet cases and the bisexual footballers that already cost the England team a fortune in PR consultancy? Does he expect his players to send a goodnight text home and then cuddle up with their copy of Strikingly Different?
When the cats are away will Shaun, Ashley and Matthew come out to play?
Surely Capello's scheme is a gay footballer's dream come true! All those charged-up men, tails wagging, and no WAGs to take the pain away. We can only wonder at what new sports might emerge when two or more are in need of a good WAG. If they're not having sex with each other by the first week then they'll be punching each other, and if they're not doing either then they'll be out riding the rough trade in Rustenburg, aka 'Headlines Heaven'. Perhaps only then will Capello realise that the fierce sound of Abigail's Gucci heels wasn't so problematic after all.

Of course Capello already knows this minefield of sexual temptation and so he has launched a large surveillance operation in which the England team's rooms will be rigged up with cameras, according to The Times online. A vast labyrinth of technological perversion will set sail in order to prevent the boys from hanky-panky. One player has already complained it'll be like Big Brother, although I think Broke Straight Boys is probably a better comparison.

Deprived of their WAGS, will England footballers be allowed to invite a friend along instead? A male companion, a butler, a confidante, a little matey? Maybe Ashley Cole should use this WAG veto to beat his ex Cheryl at her own publicity game by adopting a boyfriend for the World Cup.
Just imagine - Ashley blows a kiss and the cameras will pan to Jean-Paul Cole sitting in his tight McQueen jumper, looking vacuously into his iPhone from behind flawless Prada shades. Lloyd Daniels and Joe McElderry sit beside him.
The truth is, we like WAGS. Amongst a celebrity-infatuated nation they've become a fun sideshow of the World Cup. They don't distract the real sports journalists from the core subject of football, they simply distract the football fans, and that's because no matter how hairy your back is and how many lions are tattooed onto your gut, we all love a bit of celebrity escapism, a touch of wealth fantasy. Some of these women like Victoria Beckham and Cheryl Cole have earnt column inches in their own right. Unlike footballers they don't need the placid pie charts and transfer tables that taint the back pages, these women occupy covers and on a daily basis.

In banning WAGS from the World Cup gossip columnists aren't going to suddenly start writing about sub-benches and injuries, they'll simply find out where the WAGs have gone and photograph them there instead. Half of the country are women and so it comes as no surprise that WAGS shift newspaper stands in a way that Jamie Carragher's return from retirement never can. Rooney and Crouch will have to rush down to reception each morning in a paranoid frenzy to read what the WAGs did next, to see what happened at Abigail's party.

These brilliant lipstick feminists, these world ambassadors, these heros of our day, are at risk of losing their status to a new generation of exotic overseas WAGs. British WAGS, like swans amidst a lake of Canadian geese, are an endangered species. Our beautiful WAG legacy is under attack by foreign faces. Spanish siren Sara Carbonero and Italian love fox Alice Bregoli already have their eyes on the prize. Clancy's tears will pour across photos of that Chilean cheeky-chops Pamela Diaz. The News of the World has already published their Top 10.

Fabio Capello cannot control the British media. No matter how many Max Cliffords he employs, the Daily Mail already has all the gay footballers on file and thoroughly researched. Like stealing candy out of a baby's cot, Capello is taking WAG-watch away from tabloid writers, and in doing so he is daring them to write instead those even more succulent stories they've been saving for a rainy wagless day.

If WAGS are off the menu then and it's a boy-only British camp, this can only mean one thing - the birth of the BAHs. Sol, Christiano, are you ready to lead the way from afar?
Above: Dolce & Gabbana have dreamt up Capello's vision of of a WAG-less world in the past.


  1. Loving the re-design. Do you really like WAGS that much tho????

  2. I can just imagine Jean-Paul Cole! I don't think they're actually going to film their hotels though?