Who else thinks these London "Trophy Properties" are the height of Tacky?

This “trophy property” looks nauseating and nightmarish. You couldn’t dance like mad to Eurythmics in that room, or bake a cake, or start an epic jig saw on the floor! I guess the mega rich don't have popcorn movie nights either?
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I’m currently looking for a new flat in London and so couldn’t help but notice the front page yesterday of that free newspaper, the one that Mexican bandits attempt to ram into your mouth as you enter an Underground station…
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The story was about “trophy properties” and focused on one particular flat in London at the new Candy & Candy development One Hyde Park. It’s on the market for £140 million.
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My first feelings were probably those that the ghastly paper wanted to wring out of me – “ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY MILLION”, and “Who the fuck are these overseas buyers who need bullet proof windows? They ain’t got no dough from writing no Harry Potter” etc.
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But then I read on and realised that these “trophy properties” aren’t actually living spaces, but more of a living hell. “Ex-SAS security guards”, “underground walkways to reach the apartment”, “air purification” - Sounds more like Area Fifty One Hyde Park to me.
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And it seems many of the super rich share something in common with those who live on the streets: They both lack homes.
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Does anyone else think the photo published with the article (above) just looks a bit, well, tacky? It reminds me of the VIP lounge of the Norfolk Line ferry I went to France on last month, or a high-end plastic surgeon's waiting room. Do the mega rich not have taste? Have they spent so much of their lives in soulless hotels that they've forgotten what living looks like?
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£140 million could buy oak-panelled libraries with first edition T.S. Eliot collections, inner city courtyards with baroque fountains and climbing roses, Louis XVI chairs and a Cindy Sherman portrait. I admire the English millionaires who know how to spend tastefully. Like Jonathon Ross and the Hampstead set, or Kate Bush with her breathtaking home on an estuary island.
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This “trophy property” looks nauseating and nightmarish. You couldn’t dance like mad to Eurythmics in that room, or bake a cake, or start an epic jig saw on the floor! I guess the mega rich don't have popcorn movie nights either? And by the way.. when staying at a friend's house after a dinner party I so prefer the friends who put you up on a wonky sofa bed wedged between the TV and the coffee table, to those who send you off down fifteen corridors to your own isolated bunker.
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I wonder if the lease comes with a certificate that says “Congratulations! You’re the laughing stock of London but hey - enjoy the ice maker with its LCD and self-timer!”
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Like MasterCard’s tiresome marketing team have reiterated for us: there are some things in life money can’t buy, and taste is evidently one of them. Would you not feel fucking stupid spending £140 million on a flat? Would it not all feel a bit Emperor’s New Clothes? It’s as if these billionaires think life is a level of Sonic the Hedgehog where you have to constantly collect rings before the time runs out. Like, jeez.
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Just give me an ex-council flat, a few magazines to stick up on the wall, a decent hi-fi, my Care Bears duvet cover (below)and I’m happy. Like Andy Warhol explained, the President drinks the same Coca-Cola that the tramp on the corner drinks.
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If you spend £140 million on a flat in London then you’ve completely missed the point of this beautiful and cultural city, and have probably missed the point of life itself too. One hundred and forty million. Haha. What does our best girl Kirsty Allsopp think of all this?
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Right, I’m off to Sainsbury’s to buy myself a Diet Coke and a Twix. That’ll be £1.40 please.

See the "Care Bears Count Down, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1..." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QRG8NNqqeqE Heavenly!

6 comments:

  1. stupid. just cos u cant afford it

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  2. Three days after you wrote this David Mitchell wrote it with all the same points, INCLUDING jokes about his council flat. spooky.

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  3. Agree on Hampstead set - a classy sophisticated well rounded and wealthy neighbourhood but in touch with the bare necessities of life- why else would they like a stroll through the muddy leafy heath come rain or shine?

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  4. yeah so right, i wouldn't spend so much money just for a room like that, there are lots of people in the world today that is really needing a big help...

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