Cathwalk Trends: What to Wear for a Papal Visit

"The major feat of the Papal Visit Store has to be their range of rosaries. Not only are these items holier than Philip Green’s fake plastic beads, but they’re better quality and cheaper. From wooden to imitation blue glass - there’s something appropriate for every kind of sinner "
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In preparation for The Pope's visit, Jack has trailed through pages of Catholic Merchandise to give you a lowdown on the season's best Cath Fash:
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Fashionistas are always talking about creativity, vision, and inspirations. When they’re not obsessing over what’s next, they’re busy bickering about who copied who. What came first - The meat or the dress? Some actually talk with lurid empty-stomach breath about Karl Lagerfeld as if he is God.
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Well if fashion is all about creation, looking forwards, looking down, and so on, then surely it makes a lot of sense for the Catholic Church to have their own fashion range? They’re higher than high street, they were passing judgement on people way before the chain-festish sinner Gok Wan and they really do give the concept of the word designer a run for its money.
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Benjamin O'Brien De Clare, theologian, World of Warcraft veteran, Catholic sympathiser and sinner told The Jack of Hearts: "We're talking the first great designer, and with a charity slant. Their early stuff is the staple {or steeple? - Jack} in ecclessiastical design" Although supply teachers, social workers and television historians take their fashion inspiration from Methodists, everybody would agree that The Catholic Church are the most fashion-conscious religion going. Sinner Briony Fleming, a horse-riding charity worker and world authority on bracelets told The Jack of Hearts: "Jesus was the first official fashion muse." Noah being the first technically, but unaccredited by the fashion industry due to poor taste in sandals and later-on loathed.
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So today we’re shopping in the Papal Visit Store, and I’ve been marvelling at several pieces. Firstly there’s a gorgeous Beatification Tee (pictured above).
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Written across a bang-on-trend monogram of this season’s saint-to-be John Newman are the Latin words Cor Ad Loqvitvr , which means “Hearts Speaks Unto Heart”. Evidently the sinner Henry Holland needs to start dishing out catwalk slogans in Latin if he’s to stay at the head of his game.
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According to The Jack of Hearts' resident Latinist, papal fashion enthusiast and sinner Zoe Wells-Cole, sinner Henry Holland's iconic t-shirt "I'll Show You Who's Boss Kate Moss" translates as "Kate Moss: Demonstrabo Tibi Quisnam Est Dominum". (Kato Mossum, optional)
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The next piece that I adore, and no doubt coming to a member of The Saturdays (all sinners) near you, is this heavy-metal-chic Pope Benedict XVI tee - popally rocking and another jewel in the collection’s mitre. It would look perfect at one of the weekend's papal events with some animal-print jeggings, killer heels and a trilby hat.
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But the major feat of the Papal Visit Store has to be their range of rosaries. Not only are these items holier than Topman-tycoon sinner Philip Green’s fake plastic beads, but they’re better quality and cheaper. From wooden, to glow-in-the-dark, to imitation blue glass (glass!), there’s something appropriate for every kind of sinner in here.
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For bling lovers the PV store offers some fetching medallions and plain black “Heart Speaks Unto Heart” caps, but don’t take the bling too far or risk being condemned like Wales’ biggest fan of Cath-fash the notorious sinner Catherine Zeta-Jones, who the Vatican City awarded a lifelong membership to hell back in 2002.
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For nu-ravers the pope-ular look to go for is ‘Flashing Candles’ as a take on the traditional wanky glow-stick and white silicone wristbands, plus they do a handy-little Pope tote bag to pop your pseudo-sunnies, Red Bull and spare pants in.
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“Heart Speaks Unto Heart” may sound like an M.I.A lyric or a new sinful J-Lo song but it is actually the life motto of John Newman. I always thought it was good to let the heart speak out, but it seems keeping the feelings of one’s heart to one’s self is a more recommendable path to Catholics these days.
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So, New York – London – Paris – Vatican City. It’s time to get hip-hopping and ship-shopping in the official Papal Visit Store. Don’t forget your Papal Flags (another song that M.I.A. never got round to making).
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I won't be attending The Pope's speeches, but if I was I'd so be rocking a Cath-fash get-up with some of this great pap tat.
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GUARDIAN NEWS>WORLD NEWS>POPE BENEDICT XVI
An abridged version of this blog post appeared on The Guardian on Sept 16th 2010:

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