From gay song lyrics to kiss-and-tell stories by Brooklyn party boys, the rumours are spreading thick and fast that Chris Brown likes his bling on boys, leaving us to have a re-think over what it was Chris actually meant when he sang ‘double your pleasure, double your fun’ on his somewhat ironic high-hoping fidelity-focused hit Forever.
You’ve asked me to look at this recent rash on the internet about Chris Brown and his alleged male sex partners (which was news to me!), and so despite being a big Rihanna fan and not liking the look of Chris's mug all over my blog, I'm going to take up the challenge.
And let’s hope it’s the last blog post we have on boring self-obsessed closet cases across the Atlantic. America, if you're reading - Seriously guys, nobody cares anymore!
So here goes. Chris Brown is gay? Or neigh?
One forum helpfully-slash-hilariously informed me: “Chris Brown was involved with a man named Jordan who was always around Brown. He was in the Kiss Kiss video and numerous performances. Jordan spoke of having threesomes with Brown with women, and claimed that Rihanna was assaulted when she threatened to expose him that night. When this hit the net apparently he and Brown Got into a NASTY Twitter fight”
Twitter is an important publicity tool for celebs and so I doubt Chris would engage in a bitch fight with a secret ex-boyfriend. Equally, a manager would be foolish to let Chris damage his online brand and take cyber punches at a male lover!
A more interesting argument suggesting that Chris Brown is homo is his gay-as-Goldfrapp song Love Rocket:
I’m fly in the sky ,
Outer space our satellites
Wanna take a, a little ride
On your rocket yeah yeah your rocket.
Hit it for the milky way your big surprise,
Looking for the sugar rush I,
Are you the guy
To light it, if was invited.
So tell me how bout it yeah .
Definition of a freak yeah,
Lets do something crazy yeah,
I want you and you want meeeeee.
And i don't need
Your chain your bling
It don't mean **** to me
Just keep your money in your pocket
Everything up in here out
No fake I.D
Just keep it real with me
You know you want me
Boy just stop it
Let me hop on your love rocket
There's no need to even look at the metaphors, "milky way your big surprise" and of course "love rocket" itself. The song is actually addressed to a guy. Perhaps it was intended for a girl to sing? Or was it going to be a duet with Rihanna?
More worrying to me is the line "No fake I.D."
When reading rumour forums look at how full-on their advertising is because salacious rumours bring high traffic to websites. Forum owners deliberately fill their sites with shit. You wouldn’t believe the amount of people who put “Is X gay?” into Google every minute.
In fact, I once put out a blog post called “Is Ashley Cole Gay?” as a traffic experiment. The rather rushed argument went like this:
1) Ashley Cole entered a showmance with Cheryl Cole to cover-up his realisation that he was gay.
2) The media have suggested ulterior motives for Cheryl Cole entering this relationship too.
3) Cheryl Cole is a gay icon, so a subconscious girlfriend choice for a suppressed gay.
4) The photos Ashley Cole sent off his phone would not have impressed any of the women that I have ever met in my life, but are on the contrary similar to the kind of content one sees in gay chat forums.
5) Footballers are famously obsessed with the closet, because they can afford very comfortable ones (preferring to take the money off their small-minded fans than bring about unwanted homophobia, stress and vulnerability)
Now. I removed this “Is Ashley Cole Gay?” post after one hour of going live with it. Firstly because I kind of like Cheryl Cole, secondly because I actually have no idea whether Ashley Cole is or isn’t gay, and finally, because I realised that I don’t care and I definitely don't fancy him.
However, it told me what I needed to know, because 1,000 people visited my blog in the space of an hour.
So is Chris Brown gay? Well, we're no nearer to an answer until either he tells us, or a media group gives him a nudge. And I couldn't care either way.
But crucially, you need the public’s suspicion on your side from the word Gooogle, otherwise they won't be typing the right keywords into search. And it is perhaps this argument that most supports online rumours, and most suggests that Chris Brown is gay. Google keywords are the online equivalent to human instinct, just like rumours are the edges of a jigsaw.
Right, enough of this bollocks! Let's get our groove on to Love Rocket...
I still don't understand why he went ahead and sung this song if it's not a gay fantasy ballad, like, what's wrong with getting a demo singer to sing it? I'm loving the Alexander McQueen bumpster bum-boy jeans look here. Not too sure about bending over while gripping a ladder though.
Giving this song a second listen, perhaps being a gay R&B star would be a nice move for Chris? Problem is though, the pop gays love Rihanna.