Juicy Lyrics: Because Gay Rappers Don't Represent

It's sad how closeted the black music scene seems to be. It's quite apparent to even the untrained eye that several of the big-selling 'urban' artists in the charts right now, men and women, are gay. But rather than help along people like them who don't have electric gates and security guards, they prefer to keep selling a lie, and so consequently, a lot of 'urban' (pop) music is starting to sound very empty.

I love R'n'B and rap, but because it's all written for womanizing straight men and acidic man-hating women, I find myself re-categorising and gender inverting the lyrics myself in my head. It goes so far to the point that I forget the original lyrics and get annoyed when I am reminded of them and they clash with my own little bubble.

Notorious B.I.G, Jay-Z, Ol' Dirty Bastard (and perhaps Nelly) are my favourite rappers. They each have a sound and rhythm to their voice that is unique to them, both melodic and weighted. They also each have their own preference to rhyming structure and form. A gifted wrapper is a poet, a spoken word artist, and even Dizzee Rascal can be credited as such, but by and large - most chart rap is absolute manufactured trash.

Below are my alternative gay lyrics to Biggy Smalls' hit Juicy. I feel quite shy sharing them, despite the fact that they're deliberately tongue-in-cheek and farcical. It's not meant to be rapped in a tone that mimics Biggie's voice, but more rather a camp Yorkshire accent, preferably with one hand on a hip and a generous dollop of eye-rolls.

Of course Notorious wasn't gay, he was the complete opposite - a womanizing mysogynist some say. These lyrics are in no way disrespectful of his legacy, it's just a bit of fun. If you fancy penning your own gayternative to a rap classic then please do share the link below!
Now if you want to match my Juicy to the original then I recommend opening up the original on YouTube (Search Notorious - Juicy), and then when you get good - "rapaoke" if yourself over
the instrumental version perhaps.

JUICY - by JC Superstar

Fuck all you ‘phobes. Get a grip fatherfucker.

Yeah, this album is dedicated to all the teachers that told me I'd never mount a muffin, to all the people that lived above the buildings that I was gossiping in front of that called the police on me when I was just tryin' to give feedback on how to dress their daughters, and all the Nadines in the struggle, you know what I'm sayin'?

Uh-ha, it's all good baby bay-bee, uh

Verse One:

It was all a dream, I used to read QX magazine, Billie Piper and Alice Deejay up in the limousine, Hangin' Robbie on my wall , Every Saturday Camp Attack, Tranny Shack, my bedroom had a mirror ball. I watched ass rock 'til my cherry popped, Hating tweed and Typhoo, suckin' on private school cock , Way back, when I had the red and black Minnie Mouse rucksack With the hat to match , Remember kissing Luke, woo-ha, woo-ha, I never thought that his butt would take me that far, Now I'm in the limelight 'cause I ride tight , Time to get laid, sell some homemade marmalade , Born sinner, the opposite of Michael Winner , Remember when I used to sing Javine before dinner , Peace to Fergie, Tommy C, Marlon B , Spunkmaster Pecs, Bum love Starsky , I'm blowin' off like you thought I would , Another cock, same number, same hood , It's all good

Uh, and if you don't know, now you know, quee-ah, uh


You know very well who you are, Don't let them hold you back, reach for his arse, You had a go, and it felt insane, You're not the only one who likes it good and plenty,

Verse Two:

I made the change from a slip brief, To wearing lamé jock straps on Whitby beach , And I'm far from cheap, I play P!nk in my jeep all day, Spread spunk, it's the Yorkshire way , The Moet and Alisha’s Attic keep me bitchy, Girls used to diss me , Now they write letters 'cause I’m sissy , I never thought it could happen, this faggin' stuff , I was too used to fearing' tits and muff , Now hunks hold me close in a buttocks spit roast , Behind Mr. Whippy down on the east coast , Nandos with queens, Soho for weeks , Sold out seats to hear Stephen Fry speak , Livin' life without fear , Pushin' five carrots in my neighbour’s rear. Lunches, PR brunches, interviews by the pool , Considered a fool 'cause I slept around high school

Stereotypes of a gay male misunderstood And it's still all good

Uh...and if you don't know, now you know, quee-ah


You know very well who you are, Don't let them hold you back, reach for his arse, You had a go, and it felt insane, You're not the only one who likes it good and plenty,

Verse Three:

Thunderbirds Are Go, tapes of Genesis , When I didn’t fuck blokes, man I couldn't picture this , 50 inch dreams on a green leather sofa , Got two rides, a limousine with a coiffeur , Phone Bill when the cava’s gone flat , No need to hurry, bumming in an accountant’s flat, And my hole screw is poundin’ , Celebratin' every day, no more public browsin' , Thinkin' back on my one-night shags , Now my Mum pimps a Matalan fleece on her back , And she loves to show me off, of course , Smiles every time my throat is cummed-up and hoarse , We used to fuss when the Newsagent dissed us , “No Heat?” Wonder why All I Want For Christmas missed us? , Birthdays was the worst days , Now I suck Sam’s mate when I’m thirst-ay , Uh, damn right I like the life I live , Jus’ don’t go from negative to positive , And it's all... ,

(It's all good)

...and if you don't know, now you know, quee-ah, uh Uh, uh...and if you don't know, now you know, quee-ah Uh...and if you don't know, now you know, quee-ah, uh

Representin' G-Town in the house, Gay Mafia, Billie Piper, uh, uh yeah a-ight.

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