NYE at Heaven this year looks SO SHIT - Why do they keep doing this?
I was a bit baffled to see this advert in BOYZ for Heaven, Britain's flagship gay club, for their New Year's Eve party. Traditionally the club has scene acts like Lady Gaga, Kylie Minogue and Madonna taking to the stage for NYE. This year? Two X-Factor drop-outs Stacey Soloman and Kitty Brucknell. And Joey from The Only Way Is Essex...
To put it another way. Two ladies who once entered a glorified karaoke contest and lost, and a man who basically lives in one of the home counties and appeared in a reality TV show, so essentially - just two women and a man, all of whom you couldn't even name this time two years ago.
Tickets for the night cost £12, which is cheap for NYE in London, but quite steep for Heaven considering I saw Sophie Ellis-Bexter for £1 there and Goldfrapp for £4 (any X-Factor fans reading - you might need to Google Goldrapp, they're pretty good, don't be scared by all the "music"). The poster also states that entry is only before midnight - I'm not sure if by entry they mean "entry to the queue" which in itself can take up to two hours because you have to join yards of unimaginative gay cattle. Anyways, "Tickets only valid until midnight" sounds like a fucking nightmare, I can already picture the door staff drama.
Stacey Solomon is billed as "Queen of the Jungle", because after X-Factor she appeared on another ITV show, one in which she sat around in a junglesque TV set for a few weeks - riveting. Meanwhile Kitty Brucknell is donned "X-Factor Diva", which literally means nothing.
Finally - the night has been called - wait for it - "The Only Way Is 2012" ........ a sad reminder to us all that nobody can turn the clocks back and so we are unlikely to ever see a proper pop star in Heaven again. I don't understand why G-A-Y has subjected us now to three entire years of relentless PAs from reality TV nobodies. The gay community pioneers pop culture, so why does Heaven constantly treat us like sick-sucking thick-as-shit ITV gloats? Give Peaches a call, find Patrick Wolf - he could teach the twinks a thing or two about culture, get Grace Jones' agent on the line. Get some good DJs in the other rooms, like Busy P, Armand Van Helden or Felix Da Housecat. Get some theatrically talented hosts, not a fake-tanned git from "The Only Way Is Essex". There are local gay hosts who are amazing like Lady Imelda, Lizzy Drip and Boogaloo Stu, so why burn cash on Joey fucking Nobody?
.... as much as I'd like to go to Heaven on NYE to see an uneducated talentless man from Essex, a reality TV star singer with no album and an unsigned crackpot Gaga wannabe, not to mention listen to Jeremy Joseph rattling away at thousands of uninterested boys down a microphone, I think we're going to head to France this year for some actual fun.
Oh. Here's another of BOYZ magazine's classic double page spreads taken from the same issue. It's all about Stacey Soloman and domestic violence: