Elton John's Furniture Cusses Former Pop Queen and Part-Time Film-maker Madonna Ciccone. Again.

Nobody likes a sore loser with a sore ass and so it is disappointing to read that Elton John's not-so-young-anymore (50 something?) toyboy David Furnish slated Madonna calling her "desperate and narcissistic" and started throwing foul language all over his Facebook page (imagine "liking" David Furnish on Facebook!) Why? Because Madonna beat Elton John at the Golden Globes giving her new Wallis Simpson movie W.E. priceless PR (as if it needs anymore what with her ability to queue-jump her ass onto any TV couch in the first world) whilst Furnish's movie-toon Gnomeo and Juliet is just days away from the bottom shelf of Asda next to Angelina Ballerina: The Anorexic Schizophrenia Years.

It's odd that Furnish chose "narcissistic" as a word to insult Madonna with, when Gnomeo and Juliet is a cartoon stuffed with cover versions of his own husband's songs (so basically his songs) and is essentially a DIY Elton John episode of Glee that sets out to establish Elton John's canon for a young audience, perhaps upon the realisation that nobody under 30 knows Elton John's music (I'm Still Standing fell flat on its face twenty years ago, Candle In The Wind is like Adele without the Barry M and a beehive, you only ever hear Crocodile Rock at alcoholic aunt's second weddings and Are You Ready For Bum Love? is hardly a floor filler).

Meanwhile Madonna is a self-confessed narcissist who has penned entire albums about her problems with getting over herself, drowning in her alter ego, realising that the pursuit of wealth is endless and hating her own mortality. And Madonna's music has stood the test of time. I thought Elton John was famous for throwing lavish parties.. well they can't be that good if there's no strip-teasing on the diving board to Like A Virgin at 4am. Madonna - a narcissist? It's like calling Naomi Campbell vain or Jo Brand fat.

Calling Madonna "desperate" too also comes across as slightly hypocritical when Furnish is a not-all-that-recognised film-maker who became famous when he married an eccentric gay pop star worth several hundred million pounds. My definition of desperate is using a swearful slinging match in the press to promote your latest children's animation. I'm not saying that David Furnish would be nothing if he hadn't fallen into bed with Elton John, but I don't think film history textbooks of the future will have all that many pages between Fellini and Godard. And whilst one can accuse Madonna of cherry-picking hot young producers to keep her music career afloat, it's not as if she hasn't got about 50 classics already tucked under her high-waist Louis belt. And  it's not like Elton John is doing the same by shoe-horning Gaga into his bizarre new folk pop which somehow manages to sound more dated than pop music that is actually from the past.

Madonna's Golden Globe winning song Masterpiece may not be a show-stopper, but it's a perfectly apt song for her latest project W.E. and was written by two well-established songwriters, Julie Frost (whose credits include Beyonce's Countdown, Black Eyed Peas' Just Can't Get Enough and Germany's 2010 winning song at Eurovision Satellite) and Jimmy Harry (whose credits include Pink's Funhouse and Britney's underground gay sex soundtrack fave Touch Of My Hand) The song is simple and lulling but at the same time modestly charming and quite effective really.

Lady Gaga's involvement in Elton John's "Hello Hello" song complicates matters further as she is currently being construed in the media as Madonna's arch-nemesis. Madonna hasn't actually slated Gaga in the press in the fashion that Furnish would have us believe, in fact, Madonna responded quite cryptically and somewhat stylishly when forced to give comment on Gaga. All four adults in this blog post started out with nothing in life, but it would seem only Madonna has acquired some social conduct and (yes) even a little learnedness along the way.

If David Furnish thinks the Golden Globes "have nothing to do with merit" then he shouldn't bother to show up at them. But clearly he does, and if he had won at the weekend then I'm sure he would have heard nothing nasty from Madonna (because only Nelson Mandela and Diane Warren need awards less than Madonna) and we'd have all heard a very different story from Furnish. The Golden Globes are prestigious, watched by a wide audience and many British magazines ask their staff writers to do night-shifts in order to give the best possible live news coverage because they know that the Golden Globes always set a suit that the Oscars follow.

What is sad about this sore-loser bitching story is the damage and confusion that it could potentially thrust upon the gay community and the public's general perception of them. Elton John and David Furnish are possibly, if not deliberately, the most famous example of a gay couple in the world (I prefer the likes of David Geffen and Jeremy Lingvall myself, or Calvin Klein and Nick Gruber if they're still together).

Madonna, Lady Gaga and even Elton John have all brought pleasure, escapism and inspiration into the hearts of millions of gay men over the last 30 years (in Gaga's case 30 months (nearly)). So to see David Furnish as an expletive thorn in the side of this rose bush of iconic figures is really quite an ugly site and understandably an absolute feast for the Daily Mail.

I would like Elton John to be a respected and loved figure. He is a good songwriter, he has passed some serious milestones and he has raised some serious amounts of money for good causes. His appearance on Kate Bush's album 50 Words For Snow last year was powerful. He collects Henry Scott Tuke paintings which is great and he sang at Princess Diana's funeral. He shouldn't be wrapping himself up in these celeb cowpats and associating his name with a Gnome-based whore-out of a Shakespeare story, he should be relaxing in the Capri or going for nice healthy rambles with Alan Bennett and David Hockney, not puffing his cheeks at Madonna speeches. Love only exists between two beautiful bodies Elton and you haven't been making the most of your gym. Give in.

I haven't seen Madonna's film W.E. yet, and when I do there will be a whole lot of things to say about it on Jack of Hearts, notably the clandestine story of Jimmy Donahue - Wallis Simpson's incredibly powerful homosexual best friend who threw wild gay sex parties at his Long Island retreat, sometimes attended by the Duke himself. A biographical segment that no doubt didn't find its way into the final cut.

Still, I'm looking forward to Madonna's latest project, and I quite like the song Masterpiece, not that it's the sort of song I spend my leisure time listening to.  If I was choosing a song to accompany the credits to a Wallis Simpon flick I'd have chosen this:

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