Follow Sunday: Five Golden Tweets from The Pope

Twit-twoo, move over Jameela Jamil, the Pope is on Twitter! His [greatness/holiness/splendour(?)] has actually been on Twitter since June 2011. It's probably not actually the Pope tweeting but some gay intern at The Vatican City who was like "Look. I'm cool with all the freaky stuff you do at night, but I could do something constructive during the day too - if you unchained me from this miserichord and gave me some clothes I could do some kind of work maybe?". "What like polish our vast collection of 14th century Venetian anal beads that the world doesn't know exists?". "I was thinking more along the lines of PR and digital marketing, like maybe starting a Twitter page for us?". "We don't need PR. We're rolling on the wave of advanced PR of approximately 2,000 years, the product that we sell doesn't exist, thousands live in fear of us, millions of others pay us out of guilt that we invented, we own more pillars than there are blades of grass in a Bel Ami backdrop. Straight men get on their knees and tell us their inner most secrets and shortfallings whilst we fondle ourselves in a dress. We're a work of PR genius". "But I'm going to dispell all the bad rumours Benny. You see, all the stuff flying about the internet about raping children and". "But we..". "Yeah I know, but still". "I was going to say but we usually just cut peoples' tongues out?". (Pause) "Also, there are loads of hot teenagers on Twitter and". "It's settled then, make us a Twitter page".

Obviously I'm taking my own invented lurid speculations and then translating them into plain English from sexually-charged chokey Italian whispers. 

So, here's Pop Eye Benedict 16.0 on Twitter, and he's only tweeted five times since June:


The first tweet was a promotional one with a link to the Vatican's news website starting rather presumptuously with "Dear Friends". Well, either presumptuous or cliquey. I didn't click on the link in case it default opted me into a slave prostitution programme, or even worse, a tawdry website with naff yellow section headers and stories explaining why we should hand over children in their thousands to the church.

The second tweet was a nugget or ironic hypocracy "Let us abandon once and for all the path of violence and avoid principles of evil". Ha! I love a Pope with a sense of humour. It should have said "Kids on Twitter who cry themselves to sleep each night because their local priest is sexually abusing them, next time, tell your priest to abandon once and for all the path of violence and avoid principles of evil, I've tried a round-robin email internally but it went into peoples' junk I think. Ciao boys". Too many characters.

The third tweet was an invitation that arrived in the high heat of late August: "I invite you to give a bold witness of Christian living. In this way you will give birth to new Christians and will help the Church to grow". Sounds a bit like, "Come on Catholics, you do all the work please, here in the church we're not that good at having children, no pun intended, we keep trying to get men pregnant but it doesn't work, we're starting to suspect incense causes infertility, anywayz, I'm going to a barbeque". I like the image of a "bold witness", like a creepy wide-eyed neighbour staring intently over a garden hedge.

The fourth tweet attempted quasi-science. "The universe is not the result of chance", announced Pope Eggs Benedictus, "We are invited to read something profound into it: the inexhaustible creativity of God". Of course he can't be sure of that, and anyone who thinks that they have a direct line with God, let me tell you - They Don't. I was hoping this tweet might inspire an atheist to upload a big bang theory animation onto YouTube with an Abba soundtrack, Take a chance Take a chance Take a ch-chan-chance. Or even better, Sir Ian McKellen playing God, drunkenly trying to make a universe out of clay with Laura Berry in the background shaking her head, arms folded. The universe is not a result of chance? How does The Pope know that? What if God got lucky and was like "Fuck! How did I do THAT? ROFL. I'm taking a photo of this for my Tumblr"

The fifth tweet was sent on Christmas day (poor Vatican intern, barely had time to empty his sack before he was back in the holy Twitter chamber, Sudocrem in the top draw). It said "See through the superficial glitter of this season and discover behind it the child in the stable in Bethlehem." It's interesting how when the Pope says "season" you immediately think he's using fashion lingo not referring to horological sectors. The light imperative tone of "See through the superficial glitter of this season" sounds a bit Gok Wan doesn't it? Still, the Catholic Church know their stuff when it comes to superficial, have you ever stepped inside one of their churchs? Not an inch of gold decorum, decadence, ornate detail or unecessary fucking tat.

And so that's the Pope's Twitter. Whatever next? Nicki Minaj presenting an archaeology series? The Pope only has 31853 followers, so about 1/300th of Fearne Cotton's following. And the Pope follows nobody on Twitter, not even Stephen Fry or Goldie Hawn. What a bitch.

And to finish, here's a relevant YouTube sketch from the talented Christopher Kendall:



You can follow Chris on Twitter @Chris_Kendall_, and you can follow The Pope too - Google him if you're interested.

And then here's MY religion. Depeche Mode with their 1984 hit Master And Servant:

1 comment:

  1. Aged, German, conservative, mysterious, a stylish dresser, and occasional tweeter of enigmatic aphorisms. The Pope is increasingly reminding me of Karl Lagerfeld.

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