One Direction stars Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson are to co-purchase a £3million pound apartment in the former lunatic asylum Colney Hatch, according to Daily Mail reports, triggering more gay rumours amidst bitterly jealous nobodies. Personally I'm more excited by the prospect of boyband members spending money like water - usually the seeds of highly readable tragedy and tabloid despair. And even more exciting - their fantastically tasteless choice of home!
Former residents of the lunatic asylum Colney Hatch include the highly dangerous serial killer and rapist John Duffy, Jack The Ripper suspect Aaron Kosminski, and the profound and wild homosexual occultist Aleister Crowley. The building is said to be haunted by Dorothy Lawrence too, a woman who was banged up as a loony in 1925 for fighting in the First World War disguised as a man. She died in Colney Hatch in 1964 under suspicious circumstances.Throughout the 1970s and 1980s the asylum (which strategically changed its name to Friern Hospital) fell into disrepair and abandon, looking not dissimilar to the house in Psychoville. Locals claimed the place to be haunted by the sounds of screams and echoes of groans from former patients who were tortured and sexually abused there, as well as daylight apparitions of contorted and malfunctioned faces in upstairs windows.
In the 1990s the building was turned into luxury flats by some smart property stooge and rebranded as Princess Park Manor - a name which for some reason appealed to Ashley Cole who swiftly moved in.
Are Harry and Louis gay with each other?
Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson are moving into the flat as friends. Harry Styles is a bit of a gay poster boy following his appearances at gay bars including Britain’s flagship gay club Heaven, and because he looks like the sort of annoying bratty boy you wanted to fuck at school. However the teenager identifies as a heterosexual male and to prove the point rather vividly he has been dating hard-faced TV presenter Caroline Flack who is in her thirties. Meanwhile Louis Tomlinson’s sexuality is still in question. Gay rumours bubbled after an interview with One Direction in which each boy named their celebrity girl crush apart from him. Several bloggers and online commentors decided Louis was gay on account of having a “gay face”, "dancing like a gay" and "looking totally gay", unfounded allegations which young girl fans firmly combatted by saying "He has a girlfriend actually. We just don't know what she's called or what she looks like or how we even know this." I'm sure a proper girlfriend for Louis with a name and face and everything will pop up soon enough.
To confuse the matter more Harry and Louis have developed their own pseudo-ironic bromance in the young teen press, posting YouTube videos of them kissing (hilarious) and saying on Twitter how much they love each other and want to make-out with each other (SO HILARIOUS!!! BECAUSE BEING GAY IS FUCKING HILARIOUS!!! HAA HAA HAAAAAA! GAY! JUST IMAGINE! HAAAAA!!!!!) an act which no doubt acts as a source of light amusement for Harry and a heart-crushing wasp gasp of precious snatched expression for Louis. Also, joking about being gay on Twitter doesn't go down too well in America. You need to keep things nice and literal over there. Clear shapes. Bright colours. Short words. Thank you.
[If you're going to joke about being gay on Twitter at least make it witty and Tweet stuff like "Hey Harry, where did you put the Anusol cream? And why have you taken the lid off my Lynx, clumped Blu-tac around the nossle and put a condom over it?" (-13 characters) ]
Does Louis and Harry's new flat have any notable suspected closet gay former residents?
The apartment that Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson are buying with their feel-my-pocket money was formerly the rented home of professional footballer and tabloid character of yesteryear Ashley Cole, another man who has had his fair share of gay rumours in the mainstream centre-right press after he was caught sharing skank photos on his phone that few women on earth would be impressed by. Rumours that emerged several months prior to that when he married a shiny item found in Will.I.Am's handbag.
What else bad happened in Louis and Harry's new home the former lunatic killer asylum?
Colney Hatch was horrendously damaged by a fire in 1903. The screams of inmates could be heard from far around as 53 inmates were burnt alive – unable to escape the building because they were either strapped into chairs, blindfolded, or kept in pitch black cells with barred-up windows. The fire was shrouded in sinister suspicion of sadism on the part of the asylum's staff when not only was the aid of local men in the neighbouring area of North Finchley refused at the gates but firemen struggled to put the fire out when it emerged that several of the water supplies had been cut off.
Why live in N11? Not exactly a plush area code...
Why any modern-day millionaire, albeit a teenage one famed for winning a feckless and fascist karaoke contest, would intentionally choose to live in Enfield is beyond anyone, let alone a haunted former lunatic asylum hell hole that was not only a mass death site but was once lived in by Ashley Cole himself. Why not live in Highgate like Gwen Stefani, or buy a garden-locked mansion with a subterranean swimming pool in Kensington like J.K.Rowling? So maybe the appartment is bought by their record label? Don't members of boy bands get salaried, as opposed to royaltied, because they don't write the music themselves? I mean - trending on Twitter everyday for two years and with about seventeen official calendars and they're only worth £2-3 mill each? Even June Sarpong earns more in royalties for Series 3 of Bo Selecta.
The only good thing I can think of about living in Enfield is that there are a lot of hot boys in the nearby East Finchley area who cannot accomodate and so are desperate for fun in other peoples' places. Also, if One Direction did another show at Heaven nightclub and caught the N29 bus home then they could quite safely fall asleep as Enfield is the last stop - useful.
Where do the other One Direction recruits live?
Louis and Harry's bandmates Niall, Zayn and thingy also live in the same compound at Princess Park Lunar Rainbow Mushroom Mansions or whatever the fuck it's called now. The boys even threw an ecstatic New Year’s Eve party there last weekend for 50 friends, an image that makes the building’s lunatic asylum years seem like some kind of golden era heyday. Diana Vickers posing with a WKD bottle inbetween her tits and someone from JLS DJ'ing on Spotify springs to mind.
Oh and for the record – whilst you've caught me blogging about One Direction - is it just me or is Harry Styles really not that attractive? The clue to realising that Harry Styles isn't very attractive is to spend two solid seconds actually looking at his face...
He looks like if Gail's less attractive son in Coronation Street bred with a damp Oreo. Zayn Malik is the only hot guy in One Direction. Zayn Malik is really hot. Niall is cute in a sort of TY limited edition/ Happy Meal toy / Ferbie / stuffed baby owl sort of way and the other two just look like any average person waiting for any average school bus on any day of the year, it's just that the television has told you to fancy them and you do what the television tells you.
FINALLY, can I just point our how bizarre it is that the five members of One Direction still share a Wikipedia page. As much as I find it funny to see them categorised beneath 3.1, 3.2, 3.3, 3.4 and 3.5 on the One Direction Wikipedia page they have enough going on in their individual lives to be treated by Wikipedia as seperate human beings now I think...
FINALLY FINALLY. Why are One Direction making bizarre early-noughties style banjo-y McFly type rock music? Shouldn't they be pushing out catchy dancefloor pop with an urban edge like the massively more succesful JLS?
I've forgotten what I was blogging about.
Right, I'm off to Prowler in search of a housewarming gift for Louis and Harry.
Just to help you forget the tacky Orwellian bacterial low culture of this blog post and back up on your feet again, here's an amazing moment from 30 Rock: