Presenting: Star Warrior Cool - The Best Aftershave of 2012?

Marc Jacobs may as well pack fashion in and stick to crackers now that THIS aftershave has arrived:


Bang! Bang! Bang! This aftershave has everything!

The name: “Star Warrior Cool” evokes masculinity, success, homemade Stanton Warriors Boney M mixtapes and the wastepaper basket of a Marvel Comics office.

The smell: It smells like you’ve pissed into a packet of Haribo, topped it up with Windolene and then let it settle in a box of Duplo on a meningitis ward.

The bottle: To think that we all considered Jean-Paul Gaultier’s work to be iconic. Pah! We’ve blown the cap on Le Male now, clearly JPG has been scouring cash-n-carry catalogues ever since Woolworths closed, stealing concepts wherever he can, the fiend.

The concept: Whereas Jean-Paul Gaultier would go for a luxurious refined push-spray cap (perhaps with a nautical chain detail?) Star Warrior Cool goes one Turner Prize further and makes a statement with this mismatched plastic lid from a bubble bath reject pile.

The colour: Pioneering the way for YSL and Joop, Star Warrior Cool comes in a nauseatingly breathless shade of blue, the kind of metallic vaporous shade that questions the meaning behind life’s tiring continuity.


The price: Star Warrior Cool costs £1 (from select junk shops along Seven Sisters Road) next to the gooey aliens (that don’t have babies) in plastic eggs and the broken lighters.

The alcoholic content: At a staggering 80% one sip of Star Warrior Cool is all you need before you’re hurling chicken and chips at ambulances.

Considering a bulk purchase? Take a look at this Cash N Carry website selling Star Warrior Cool for only 67p a unit.


  1. You need to smell 'Breath of god' or 'The smell of weather turning' at LUSH. Now they are scents.

  2. You know what I think I love the most about your style? Everything. Hurling chicken and chips, gooey aliens and broken lighters, hospital duplo, life's tiring continuity! I love it so much Jack and can't believe I went so many months without reading you :o