MDNA Review - Madonna! Read it now - You Wanna!

Ok ok, here it is, don’t take my gay card away from me, Madonna review coming through, coming through, MDNA, track by track review, gay jokes, all yer’ fucking favourites:

(NB. So this might not be the right track order, I’m just following my iPod and you know what they’re like when it comes to organising music, just shove any old shit anywhere, mid-album collaboration is it? – Let’s just file it as if it’s a completely different artist shall we – yeah that makes sense.) And we’re off...

Girl Gone Wild

The first time I heard Girl Gone Wild (which should really be called Gays Gone Wild, or failing that, Boys Gone Wild, or failing that, at least pluralise it to Girls Gone Wild which is what we all called it when it leaked onto the internet thirty-two years ago) had a vision of naked boys skidding in purple roller skates in a mirrored room (a bit like the one in Sweatbox Gay Gymnasium but bigger) whilst people in cardboard Madonna masks (like the ones we used to wear at Push The Button in Vauxhall before they totally caught on and now you even see Stag parties in them) throw buckets of Vera Wang Princess (the perfume of choice for girls in boarding schools aged 13-15, or maybe 16 if they’re still fat) from the sidelines (or possibly a spectator balcony?)

Did any of that paragraph make sense? MADONNA!

Then Dylan B Jones showed me this video of a slightly porky siren in a swimsuit dancing before psychedelic backgrounds with an Aphex Twin grin which is just insuperable: YOU WANNA!



Then I danced to the song in East Bloc whilst experiencing severe liver pains from the night before and this guy with a beard pointed out that Girl Gone Wild is basically a fusion of former Madonna hits Celebration, Get Together and Sorry. And now I’m totally over it, but now the album has come out, and it’s one of the tracks on the album, and you expect me to have an opinion on it – well sorry, I don’t*.

*Unless David LaChapelle wants to direct my video idea, using Helix Studios models and turn it into an Evian water campaign, THEN I'm interested again. L! U! V!

Gang Bang

Wait a minute, isn’t this Zombie Nation by Kernkraft 400 which I bought on CD single from Woolworth’s in Melton Mowbray in 1999 when the internet and mobile phones were still relatively new? Fast forward another twelve years and we find ourselves on Madonna’s twelfth album and it’s calling itself Gang Bang and wants some kudos in the blogosphere? Well instead I’m just going to sit here and sip my luke warm coffee and watch the March magnolias purr silently in the warm London breeze.


But I will say this – If you’re expecting a song about gang banging then think again. Disappointingly the title Gang Bang doesn’t deliver its promise of awful sexual innuendo, (unless “fish out of water” is a reference to hemorrhoids?) Turns out Gang Bang is some kind of fluid metaphor for shooting your boyfriend in the head, which in turn could be a metaphor for playing them this album. Talking of which, what happened to that cute olive skinned guy called Jesus who Madonna was banging? And has he made a sex tape with another guy yet? MADONNA!

I’m Addicted

I’m going to be car sick. Although I did just have a flashback of this tanned Spanish guy in just white socks on his parents sofa, curtains drawn, midday, family all busy down on the beach, so thanks for that Madonna. Y! O! U!

Turn Up The Radio

So we’ve all had a good giggle of late, on YouTube and via word of mouth, about how Madonna likes to recycle lyrics. Well two lyrical clichés that so many popstars cling to, and that need to be put to bed forever, are DJs and Radios. “Ask The DJ”, “Hey Mr. DJ”, “Last night a DJ saved my life”, “DJ’s got us falling in love again”... Right, DJs aren’t interactive artisans anymore. Most DJs today are just people in new t-shirts playing their iPod from a black pulpit trying for their life to look like they know anything about pop music and that they didn’t nick their playlist off their flatmate Sam and that their job is worth more than the minimum wage. Ok, so some DJs are really good, but that still doesn’t mean they talk to people on the dancefloor, and those that do are generally really god-awful shit provincial DJs in small clubs with names written in neon tubing like Shabby’s and Kawooosh and The Lid. So message to millionaire popstars who haven’t been to a discotheque since the 70s: WE DON’T TALK TO DJs.

“On the radio”, “Turn up the Radio”, “The radio’s playing my favourite song”, “I love my radio”, “All I need is a radio” ... Right, COOL KIDS DON’T LISTEN TO THE RADIO ANYMORE. Give us lyrics like “You’re at the top of my iTunes Date Added column”, or “You’re on my memory stick”, or “Spotify is playing my favourite song right now, because I chose it”, or “All I need is my Last.Fm account and a quick scan for YouTube links in my Facebook home feed to feel free”

So here we have the queen of pop telling us to turn up the radio. Well I don’t own a radio. My mum has one in her kitchen and I see her four times a year, so next time I’m there, I’ll remember, ta Madge.

(I should probably put it on the record here that I secretly adore Radio 4. Moving on...)

Some Girls

I quite like the backing vocalist, go her. I wonder how much she got paid? Did she even get to meet Madonna? Does Madonna know her name? Is Madonna even a person? Has this song finished yet? Did I really pay money for this album? Oh it has finished. Oh good....

Superstar

“You’re like Brando, you’re like James Dean” you’re like every other gay person that Hollywood wants to represent heterosexual attraction that I can think of without using Wikipedia. Superstar sounds like something Jedward wrote on Guitar Hero before they were famous. Talking of which Jedward throw some love towards Madonna on their hilariously quick-lived album, perhaps the trio could get something cooking?

I Don’t Give A (feat. Nicki Minaj)

One of the better tracks on MDNA, I want the video for I Don’t Give A to be Madonna running along an urban night-time Sonic Level collecting rings with Nicki Minaj’s face plastered all over repeated background scenery then at the end she bumps into a giant hovering rotating Gaga head and Madonna's rings go flying everywhere and Tails wags his finger like “you’re so vexed”. Disappointingly the bridge is cancered with that new Madonna mid-tempo that makes you think of grandmas line-dancing, and by "bridge" I don’t mean in the Sonic level video, no I’m using a clever musical term that Smash Hits taught me in-between working incredibly hard on ensuring that I would definitely grow up massively gay (by using a mixture of subliminal messages, editorial references to men being hot, excessive levels of exclamation and stickers of Ben from A1) - YOU WANNA!

I’m A Sinner

It’s going to take a stronger gay than me to push through to the end of this song. I’ll wait for the revised Spanglish thumbed-up using multiple accounts YouTube comment version.

Love Spent

After its tiring, tiring, trying intro Love Spent is OK I guess, forgetting the imagery it gives me of women being slot machines and male ejaculation a currency.

Masterpiece

It’s that song we all read about before actually hearing, Masterpiece, the Golden Globe-winning ballad that threw Elton John’s partner into a red carpet hissy fit when the Elton John song from his Elton John musical cartoon called Elf Head or Dwarf Land Peeky Boo or something didn’t win instead, a fact that is made all the more funny by the fact that Masterpiece is the most innocent, harmless, understated and gentle ballad in Madonna’s entire 200-track discography. This one’s definitely going on my sangria playlist. Thanks Madonna, it’s not great, but it’ll do, and everyone loves a lyrical framework that toys with fine art. (I bet Elton’s got it on his iPod secretly) L! U! V!

Falling Free

Ooh, weird spiritual bollocks from American Life raising its sour head alert. It's a bit Zelda, makes me think of a stills gallery on YouTube of Ohio sunsets. Skip, skippety, skip...

Beautiful Killer

Gives a big nod to Impressive Instant and other moments from Music. Sounds like an improvised Sophie Ellis-Bextor song, the sort she’d just jam to herself whilst making actual jam. It’s only one minute long on my iPod – is that an error or is Madonna being edgy? Who knows, we’re all happy... MADONNA!

I Fucked Up

Ooh interesting. I want to make a sped-up video montage of lilos deflating and mix it up with shots of Lana Del Rey on holiday with her parents. If I heard this at a spoken word poetry event in Covent Garden I'd be enthralled, but instead I’m hearing it on a fucking Madonna album and so consequently frowning a little bit. Going to the fridge, back in a mo....

B-Day Song

“And the beat goes on” – Is that a homage to Track 10 on Britney Spears’ debut album? I like the raw B-52’s Cindy Wilson esque vocal style, but then just when the song needs to do something, it decides to repeat itself instead, like so many songs on this album. A tall glass of flat Fanta. Y! O! U!

Best Friend

Yeah, again, who the fuck’s going to play this in their car? It’s like someone’s Sound Cloud off-cuts. BUT, my ‘grower’ light is flashing...

-THE END-

I award MDNA a casual 6 out of 10. In a saturated market where Jessie J, Katy Perry and Nicki Minaj are all releasing identical sounding singles, Madonna had a golden opportunity to smash everyone for six, but instead she’s fighting for air play against Alexandra Burke. MDNA will become just another Madonna album on your iTunes that you scroll past enroute to Mariah, or possibly Marianne Faithfull, or possibly Marilyn Manson. Whatever floats your boat, to quote Madonna, probably.

Read Dylan B Jones’ write up of MDNA here! - YOU WANNA!

@jackcullenuk

2 comments:

  1. JACK THIS IS FANTASTIC! I really like the bit about Vera wang perfume for 16 girls but only if they're still fat. And Lana del Ray and her parents, and that Sonic idea is just hilarious!
    Love, ur no.1 fan (or maybe someone has taken that spot from me) ALICE!XXXO

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