But yeah, I was a bit surprised to unwrap a Milky Bar this morning and find what looks like a squirting cock and two balls? Do I just have sex on the brain, or does that Milky Bar look more virile and good-for-you than its modest calcium promise?
You'd think Milky Bar have enough of an image complex, what with being called Milky Bar, opting for a cutesie and non-macho exterior and having a long-running world-famous ad campaign that looks like some kind of homegrown Michael Jackson Dating Agency in which small smooth blond boys turn up in back-water towns dressed like rodeos offering children chocolate, without having to go and actually craft male genitalia out of their product?
Upon closer inspection (turn the Milky Bar around) it becomes apparent that this is not a penis, but is in fact a donkey's head, being lassoed by the Milky Bar kid. Read what you will.
On a seperate pop music note, why hasn't Ke$ha or any of that lot ripped off the Milky Bar kid's song yet? Surely they're running low on nursery rhymes now, The Saturdays have released One, Two, Buckle My Shoe about six times. The Milky Bar kid's anthem is embedded deeply into our sub-conscious, it's light and upbeat, associated with fun times and receiving treats, and it would be easy enough for Cher Lloyd to sing with the aid of a few machines.
You could even throw a Nicki Minaj rap in for good kudos ("You want me to act milky? You like me cuz ahm silky. Well come give me your room key, and let's do something kaBOOM filthy?" etc)
Or perhaps a Lil' Kim rap, she's not done much lately ("You wanna milk me? Be my kiddy? You think you're strong and tough? Well I like it rough. Slide your bar into my chocolate bazaar. You old enough to ride my car? Be my semi-skinned Milky boy, I'll be your full fat moose" etc etc etc)
Or what about a Subway wrap? Kelis is too obvious.
Potential chart toppers:
"The Milky Bars Are On Me (Literally)" by Alexandra Burke (Freemasons remix)
"Strong And Tough" by Leona Lewis feat. Pitbull
"Milk E Bars R On Me" by Ke$ha
"Only The Creamiest Milk (Is Good Enough)" by The Saturdays
"Look It's The Milky Bar Kid!" by Cher Lloyd
"Fuck Me In Both Ends Please" by Kaya Jones