URGENT REVIEW: Kylie Minogue - Timebomb


WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT KYLIE (again)

Tip: Playing the song whilst reading this blog post will transport you into the smoking area of Heaven.

Right, simmer down all, we've got a new Kylie song to discuss. It's been out for six days but how the fuck would we know - we've been getting pissed on the Heath for four days having potato salad fights and playing frisby with Caroline Quentin. Pop stars need to tell us these things. What is this culture of just chucking lead singles onto YouTube like corn into a chicken pen. We need warnings, we need Kylie's face blown-up and concaved into a tube tunnel.

So, Kylie is the latest pop titan to push out a London video. We're talking Kylie clattering down Old Compton St grinning at clones, Kylie zooming backwards at high speed down Oxford Circus a la Ray Of Light sending Costa cups shitting up the windows of Uniqlo, Kylie storming up and down the changing rooms in New Look, Kylie over-taking the N29 bus, Kylie debating with Nick Clegg, if you look carefully you can even see Amy Winehouse leaning against a pillar box (parts of Kylie's videos are filmed several years prior in order to keep her looking whatever abstract age she is supposed to be - 43? 38? 10? I've stopped sending cards)

I don't know why everyone's obsessed with bagging themselves a video in London, it's not as if the Diamond Jubilee and the London Olympics are going to drive iTunes sales amongst pre-pubescents in Connecticut. If someone has written about this academically then please link me up. What's the London obsession? Use your own back yard! I think Usher should buck the trend and film his next video in the Scottish Highlands, kilt billowing, with porridge product placement and Tilda Swinton on bag pipes.

"And to everyone who's going on about how they've all got these London videos, like Britney and Rihanna and what-not can I just point out that, yes, that is the case, but this is nothing new. This pond-hopping fascination defined the 1960s, thanks to The Beatles and Andy Warhol's Velvet Underground parties and of course the increase of air travel." - An old man I overheard talking on a bench yesterday by the Men's Pond on Hampstead Heath.

Quite interesting. If you'd like to re-read it in the voice of Ursula in the Little Mermaid you'll get the full effect. But yeah, apparently being obsessed with London is nothing new so Katy Perry may as well cancel her flight.

I quite like Kylie's video, especially the bit where she marches into some kind of back street refuse collection point wearing a tight denim skirt and throws herself against the wall and pokes her arse out like "Go on". We've all been there.

And the video's certainly better than Will.I.Am's London offering, what a joke, sat on the Southbank with a piano dressed like what I'm sure he thinks is topically monarchist but looks exactly like the people giving out cheese samples in the foyer of Morrisons:


I told Will he should have had Tower Bridge turn into a transformer. You expect a certain level of laser guns and Lego Technics when you watch a Will.I.Am video these days, anything to distract us from remembering that Fergie's not in it. He's gone round the wrong section of Hamley's hasn't he, his sunglasses are too dark, the nana.

STOP DEVIATING! BACK TO KYLIE! HERE SHE IS! DOING A DANCE! WHOO!

I don't like the aftermath of hope mixed with doubt that follows a new Kylie song either, that fortnight in which you pray the song will crystalise into some kind of timeless classic but deep down you know it's going to melt like an ice cube into that iTunes music library puddle of all her other material, where it will wait patiently for some kind of middle-aged self-elected DJ to come along at a future party in your kitchen and go "Ooh let's av that all yer luvvers one, ah I like that one, and then let's av La La La, and ooh Timebomb - wazz at? Let's av that, is that the one that goes Dance doobee doobee Dance?"

I really like Timebomb. I think it's sexy, fast-paced and has a great thumping loop, I'm sure many-a-blogger has compared it to poppers and I've already fallen into that dangerous trap of overplaying it. All of Kylie's songs get overplayed, she's such a premature ejaculator in that sense, which is why her album tracks often stand a better chance of longevity. Although I was out in G-A-Y Late last night and they didn't even play this, they're still playing All The Lovers which came out (astonishingly) just over two years ago.

Upon first hearing Timebomb I was in the garden and suddenly longed for like, a shag, on the lawn - this is an early indicator for me of a good pop song. The second time I heard Timebomb I was sat in the kitchen with my phone and I nearly hired a bouncy castle, crate of baby oil, and tore out the back five pages of Boyz magazine, gave them to the cleaner Mrs. Bishop and said "ALL OF THEM".

This is what we pay Kylie for. Three minutes of relentless, headless, explosive pop crackle that somehow dismantles your head and pours vodka and Disney Princess shower gel in. And the beat of Timebomb is pretty fucking heavy for wee Kylie, I bet even Robyn raised a drawn eyebrow when she first heard it in her timber house.

Timebomb is basically a smash-your-face-on-the-patio beat that combines the bass guitar clunk of Bodyrocker's I Like The Way You Move (a favourite of Wills and Kate apparently) with the death fuzz of Benny Benassi's Satisfaction (who hasn't copied that song this year?) all soaked in the gloop of whatever Madonna did last week and then dotted with a few gay "whoops" that echo Kylie's former song Nu-Di-Ty (a classic).

Back to the Timebomb video, another thing that surprised me was how Kylie's car in it is surprisingly anonymous:


Like yeah it says "Carrera" which faintly rings some kind of Scalextric bell in my head, but it's not the full-on advertising that we're used to. We're used to seeing Taio Cruz flapping a products and services brochure. I'm pretty sure Kylie used Lexus exhaust pipes for smoke machines on her last tour. Perhaps this is a new refined Kylie who doesn't want to dirty her hands with brands? Also, for the record, Kylie looks good on a motorbike - which also features in the video. Everyone loves a good motorbike scene, Gaga, Prince, Eddie Izzard, and probably Cher.

So. We've got time for one more paragraph, and that is my alternative video pitch for Kylie's Timebomb.

My alternative music video for Timebomb is set at Ascot and has Kylie raging in on a chariot, with a cavalry of naked men, and as they crash into a large open-plan outdoor catering area, Lords tumbling onto the floor in confusion someone coughs "What's going on?" and then Celia Imrie takes a cigarette out of her mouth and plainly says "It's Kylie" whilst The Queen looks on in horror. Then the song starts. Kylie grabs Prince Harry by the lapel of his tux and starts making out with him whilst Danni takes care of the singing. The naked men follow suit and start grabbing miscellaneous Etonians, donning their hats and tonguing them. Cash starts falling from the sky and then everyone breaks into a giant cross-dressed dance routine led by Boris Johnson in an Oscar De La Renta gown and with side-scenes of James Middleton in a Galliano headpiece, tights and heels throwing his leg over a hay bale. Then Clare Balding has a subtitle rap break. Then Kylie speeds off in a car laughing with Prince Harry in his pants on the backseat covered in meringue. Intercepted with shots of champagne flowing in front of sunshine and piles of cash still raining from the sky. Then Camilla chuckles and says "That was rather fun actually". Quick shot of two Etonians making out in a stable. And CUT. Now that would a be a London pop video Will.I.Am.

I give Timebomb 9 out of 10.

Ask me again in two weeks.

See ya. Wouldn't wanna be ya. xx

@jackcullenuk

P.s. We didn't really play frisby with Caroline Quentin. That was all just shameless star-fucker lies.


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