Dita Von Teese is back!


She made a surprise appearance representing Germany in 2009's Eurovision. She had a surprise cameo in CSI last year as "Rita Von Squeeze" (cue canned laughter). And now she has a surprise new single out called Disintegration! Teaming up with English electro act Monarchy (question mark optional)! Life's just a roller-coaster of excitement for our Dita.

The song sounds like something you'd hear while contestants run between zones in the Crystal Maze. If the Crystal Maze was produced by Scissor Sisters and set in a fledgling gay sauna. Struggling to picture it? Think Kylie Minogue's Chocolate sped up, played backwards and with more lampshades. Or think New Order, going through a goth phase, commissioned to make a PC World jingle. Still struggling? Here it is:


You're disappointed now aren't you? Sorry.

The video intercepts images of a family breaking apart, like this group portrait crashing to the ground...


...with scenes of Dita rolling around in a pile of naked men...


And let's chuck in a few more...


Kylie's going to be angry when she sees that scene, lifted straight out of her All The Lovers video, which she probably stole herself from the Vatican anyway.

And then there's this bit in the middle where she sits in front of an uneaten breakfast looking menacing...


You just know that Marilyn Manson laughed at that bit. In fact, I bet he's discussing the video in depth and at length right now with Nigella over a Chardonnay carbonara.

All in all. Not a life-changing single, but then it is 11:31 on a cold Tuesday. I'm sure it'll sound much better cranked up in the White Swan with a spare condom pressing against your ankle.

The video boasts lots of illuminati symbols too, so that should ensure a healthy YouTube view count...


In case you didn't know. illuminati symbols are hot shit in music videos now. Generally speaking, stuff your video with masks, cameras, horns, star shapes and anything else black or pointy that you can find down Claire's Accesories. The Americans will go crazy. Don't overthink things, that's their job. Just shove it all in and thank me later.

All there's time for now is one final Microsoft Paint screengrab of our Dita. What about this one...


Or...


..oh wait...?

...nope. 

She's gone.


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